Loose button

This entry is for 3WW. This week's words are Button, Luck, Pretend.


I am not going to pretend the button is not falling off. The shininess of its round shape with the four holes hinges on a thin thread and yet I refuse to pull it. It would be just my luck that it would fall off at the most inconvenient time - like when I am eating my cream and chicken soup. That it would fall off into the milky cream pool of white flakes and yellow corns. That it would sink to the bottomless bowl that seem to be bigger than usual. My only wish that it would not fall off into someone else's soup where they might choke and die.

As I try to keep it intact, I noticed how the light reflects in them. Even in this dim candlelight environment, it shines, almost effortlessly. I turn to Sam but he was too busy flirting with the skinny blonde facing him. Doesn't he know it's impolite to flirt with someone else when your girlfriend is sitting next to you? Doesn't he care that the button on my dress might fall off revealing the black bra that I am wearing? Does he even have the slightest idea that I can't stand to see him flirt with anyone who weights half of me? I can only image myself trying to put on that black dress that will only fit into one of my legs before it would deteriorate into bits and pieces on the ground.

I turn to my right, to my best friend, Emily, she has a sort of an angry look to her face, not looking at me but her brother, Sam. She suddenly turn to smile at me and offer me more bread. I smile and told her I had enough even though I had not eaten anything, not even the tempting creamy soup with the silver spoon in my hand. I try to smile to let her know not to worry about me but I don't think it work. Emily smiled and excuse herself to go to the restroom.

Looking down at the button that is still hanging loosely - almost at the point of falling, numbing thoughts goes through my brain. I want to pull it off but fear it might bring bad luck to me. I don't know where I had this lotion about buttons falling off and bad luck but it stuck with me.

I tuck at the threads trying to tighten them but it wouldn't budge. I survey around the table to see if anyone's looking at me but they are all occupy with each other. I turn to Sam but he seem to be in deep conversation with the blonde whose dress now seem to be cut lower than before. I can see half of her nipple. I turn away quickly for fear she would notice that I was looking at her breast. Why did I do that? I turn back to my button. My shiny button.

Finally I couldn't stand it any longer and forcefully yanks it off. There. It's off. I don't care what bad luck it brings. I feel a little relief but not at all calm. The anger that I usually conceal during these dinner dates, starts to take over.

So what if my bra's showing? So what if my boos sticks out like two hat air balloons on a sunny day? I have a right to show....

Sam covers me with his arms and leads me out to the other room. "What are you doing? Do you want the world to see your breasts? What's come over you? Do you want to embarrass me? Isn't it enough that I give you money and help you pay your rent and various unnecessary things?"

I can only reply with a smile. Somehow my angry subsides. I cannot help but ignore his words and throw him a look of content. His face turning red, now angry and not at all amuse.

"What's going on?" he asked but I could find no reply to his questions. His voice starts to escalate as the questions keeps coming out of his mouth. I can only shrug my shoulder as if I didn't understand what he was saying.

"Why are you being this way? Isn't it enough I agree to marry you and raise our child together? I thought we had an agreement. I thought we agree we can see other people."

"You had an agreement. I just nodded my head." My smile now fading.

"Cass?!!!! What are you saying? I thought we agree I can have a girlfriend. We had an agreement. Are you backing out on me?" Sam turns to the various paintings on the wall. Then he turns back to me and grabs my arms, pressing his fingernails into my skin.

"Do you think this is easy for me? Do you think I want to spend the rest of my life tie to someone with a...a...with someone who still lives with their parents? Someone who couldn't even pass a simple test for a driver's license? Do you think I would agree to marry you if you wouldn't pregnant? I'm trying to do the right thing here."

I said nothing. He removes his hands off my arms leaving fade red marks. I stare at him blankly now, with my arms wrap around myself.

"We had an agreement." his voice lower a quota as talking to a child. "Cass, I told you I didn't love you anymore, remember? Last month? What more do you want from me?!!!" His voice raising again with this last line.

Emily shows up and starts yelling at him. "Hey, if it isn't for Cass, you wouldn't get a chance to have kids, what's with your low sperm count and all. I regretted the day that I introduced Cass to you. I didn't realize you're such a jerk. Come on Cass." Emily pulls me by the arm away from Sam and his red face. If only I wasn't having a child, his child, I would have leave him without any thought. If only.

Back at the table, I could not help but smile at every face even with their nervous looks. The walls of this particular house wasn't thick enough and everyone heard every single word. Embarrass by their stares, Sam lower his head as he sip his soup silently. I continue to smile and even starts to enjoy my soup.