Bad Habit

Fiction Friday: Theme: Pick a famous fictional character (for our purposes here it can be any character from fiction, mythology, legend, comic books...whatever) and give them a secret vice - at the very least it should be distasteful if not outright illegal. Now give the character's rationale in their own words.

Note: This is an exercise in learning about a point of view other than your own, not linguistics - so if you'd like Huck Finn to explain his drug use you can skip the accents or period English.

I was in the habit of doing something I knew was wrong but just couldn't help myself. If Darrin finds out - he would be furious. His eyes would grow large and he would give me that almost angry look that make me feel so guilty and forces me to look down at the floor.

What started out as a way to get back at the saleslady, turned into a compulsion that I could not stop. That saleslady was being so snobbish when I asked her for the price of a party dress for Tabitha. She said I couldn't possibly afford it and turned to help someone else. I didn't intended on doing it but the impulse was too great. I twitch my nose and switch the prices so that ugly green dress was more expensive than the pink one. I brought it to the counter where another saleslady didn't even notice anything was wrong. She told me to "enjoy my day" as she handed me the shopping bag. I said "thank you" and smiled at her.

When a outfit for Samantha's fourth birthday was just too expensive, I thought why not? They pretty much mark up the prices anyway and those stores make tons of money by barely selling anything. Of cause I had to change all the prices for all the same outfit. If I didn't they would have suspected something.

Darrin was please that I didn't waste too much money on just an outfit. If he knew the original price, he would have freak out. I told him they were having a sale. He kissed me with a smile on his face. Why would I disappoint him? His boss, Mr. Tate was pushing him to come up with new ideas for some campaign. He was just too busy and I didn't want to burden him with more worries.

The third time I tried it, I was caught. That is, they said they must have make a mistake since the other similar items were at much higher price. It was a teddy bear that speaks multi-languages. I was embarrassed and said, I changed my mind and practically dragged Tabitha out of the store. She was crying but I just could not go back there. I prepared dinner but felt guilty that I didn't get that teddy like I promised her. I asked Darrin during dinner, if we can get her the teddy bear. He said sure as long as it was not too expensive. I told him the price and he stood up so sudden his chair fell backward.

"Fifty dollars for a teddy bear?!!! Sam, are you out of your mind? What else does it do, teach science and math?" His sarcasm was always dead on. I told him to calm down and said it was only a suggestion and that I did not buy the bear. "Oh," was all he said as he sat back down and continued eating his dinner.

Out of guilt, I went to another store that sells the same bear. I went in the morning while Tabitha was at school and the store was less crowded. I remembered to change all the prices and was so nervous that I started to bite my nails. I quickly walked out of the store even before the lady said anything.

It was worth it to see Tabitha's face. She said "Thank you, Mommy," and gave me a hug. I told Darrin it was a different bear. He didn't suspect anything as he was too busy with work.

Of cause I stopped doing this, after all it's wrong. Okay, maybe I did it one more time but it was for Darrin's birthday present. I didn't want to disappointed him.

Mother appeared with a know-it-all smile but Darrin brushed her off. I knew that she knew. She always had a way of knowing. I warned her not to said anything. But she took delight in my wrong doing. She had never like me marrying a mortal. She and Darrin just doesn't get along. She left a big rock with Darrin's name and the word "loser" on it as a gift for his birthday. Then she disappear with a twinkle in her eye.

I smiled at Darrin nervously as we went back inside where our guests - Darrin's parents and Mr. and Mrs. Tate were chatting and drinking. We casually sat down and joined in the conversation. It was after all a dinner party for my husband's birthday.

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This week's words are: Forgotten, Hotel, Obscure

She was stuck between this world and the next. They had waited and waited. But it had been nine months, her condition had not improved. Her inability to breath life into herself was evident by the tubes and knobs on the machine that was next to her bed.

They often come in twos and read to her all the literature they knew she would love. They spoke to her and told her stories about their life and who just gotten married or had a baby or two. She could only laid there and listened to their voices, wanting to answer but couldn't.

Her dreams were obscured by darkness, Her mind seem unable to wake from her deep sleep. Some days she felt like she was at a hotel where all the guests laid in bed while the hotel servants clean around them. And some days, their voices was obscured by her jumbled thoughts. She kept going back and fourth in time, visiting her past and not have a single clue why she was there. She often lost herself in her mind.

They all came to say goodbye with tears in their eyes and sorrows in their hearts. Their beloved grandmother who would have lived to see her tenth grandchild if only people were more thoughtful with their driving.

Her bed was surrounded with colorful flowers and balloons. She was dressed all in white in her wedding gown with her makeup perfectly done. She had only been married once to a wonderful man who died too soon. The priest was present to give the final vow. Even people who barely knew her were there to see her for one last time. She heard their whispers and their tearful cries.

They set her free by removing the machine that was attached to her body. It took her awhile before she realized this. They watched as life slipped out of her. They were letting her go even if their hearts didn't want to. Prolonging her here would be selfish and would not have done her any good.

As much as she wanted to stay, she knew there was a new path for her. Her time on earth had expired and now she must leave. She will never be forgotten as long as there's someone to carry on her legacy.

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I get that sinking feeling...

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Above the clouds, I see birds flying by me. I seem to glide through the clouds and with each motion of my wings, I fly faster. The wind blows my long locks away from my face, the air smell fresh like new laundry. It was still early in the morning, the sound of the new day has not begin yet.

The whole world below is still asleep, tuck under sweet, fluffy dreams. The only ones awake are the chickens and me. I fly as if is the most ordinary thing in the world. I can hear the music in the wind as it covers me. It's singing a song of longing, longing for a new day. I close my eyes, feeling the wind blowing into me.

As the music enters my ear and into my thoughts, filling up my mind to the brink, I touch metal before I realize I hit something. My whole body rock against its big metal frame, knocking me downward. I try to gather my mind together. But my head hurts and my whole body seem unable to move. My wings, they hurt like hell. It was my first flight on my own and yet even with all the practice and all those times flying with my parents, I have fail to pay attention again.

As I dip into the atmosphere, I get that sinking feeling that I am falling into a deep black hole. I try to flap my wings but they refuse to move a muscle and instead sends sharp pain up to my chest. Falling down in a faster speed, I close my eyes for a moment and then open them to see that I am falling directly into a body of water. I try to steer into another direction but my body refuses.

Into a small pond, I fall. A cold sensation fills my body making me drowsy. The sound of the splashing water awakes my senses but my eyes cannot see anything but darkness. As the water calms down, something big grabs me out. It was a hand, a very big hand. It shakes my body to remove some of the water in my lungs and on my body. I feel a soft cloth wrap around me, making me feel warm in the cool morning air. My left wing's broken. I know because I can feel the pain as I am being lay down onto a soft bed. Sleepiness fill my mind again. I close my eyes hoping the pain would subside but instead I fell asleep. I dreamt my wing had been sew up and bandaged and that I was sleeping in a bed of my mother's feathery arm.

I wake up to see a pair of big blue eyes staring down at me. She was dress in blue and has a pink ribbon around her head. Her eyes seem to be drooling in eagerness as her soft hand rubs my chest. A strange piece of food is being offer to me, being held by a different hand, much larger. This must be the little girl's father. I took the food out of his hand and taste the sweetest sensation on my tongue. Then the little girl begins to feed me. My wing has been fixed and white bandages are around it. I am glad to be around these nice folks.

A day later, they set me free to fly back into the sky. I feel like I should stay longer as the little girl's teardrops falls onto my head. She holds me up high and motions me to fly. I want to stay but knew this is not my path. I am to meet my family on the other side of the world, it would be selfish for me to stay. So I fly up into the air. I look back on the little girl and she's waving at me, smiling the biggest smile as she holds her daddy's hand. I leave with regret but this is something I will never forget.

The Girl in the Blue Dress

Fiction Friday: Theme: Create a character in a genre you would normally avoid. Mostly I would avoid writing any horror stories or murder mystery so I guess it has a little bit of both element.

The guy had a velvety voice with a slight British accent which smoothly glided over his words. His light hazel eyes glazed at the girl with the blue dress across the table. His lips, shades of raspberries, mouthed words of persuasion as he held the girl's hands. The girl stared at him with such longings, her eyes rarely blink for even a moment. She was the most beautiful girl you have ever seem. With blue eyes like the sky, smooth skin like silk, a pair of delicate lips and high cheekbones with long dark hair. She was indeed the most beautiful so far of the many girls he had brought to the restaurant.

His glaze suddenly moved off toward the entrance of the restaurant, where a girl in a red dress was standing. The girl in the blue dress, pouted her lips and make a sound. He returned his gaze back to her and smiled his most charming smile. The girl in the blue dress changed her expression to a adoring one as he kissed her on the lips.

After the guy had paid the bill, they left together hand in hand to take the elevator up to his hotel room. Not even less than half an hour later, the guy came back down and slipped a business card along with his charming smile, to the girl in the red dress and went back up to his room where the girl in the blue was waiting.

Those of us who had seen him here most nights, often with a different girl on his arm, referred to him as Mr. Charming. We would bet how long he would stay with a girl before he would move on to the next one. It was an easy bet. Mr. Charming with his good looks and a big inheritance, always stayed with a girl for at least two weeks and leave them when he got bored.

On this particular night, the girl in the blue dress was not his usual type of girl. She was strong-willed and has a mind of her own. They had only known each other for a couple of days but the girl loved Mr. Charming and would have done anything for him. She thought that he loved her and had make him promised that she will be his wife. Mr. Charming easily promised her as she would not sleep with him otherwise.

On the night that Mr. Charming was free of the girl in the blue dress, he went out with the girl in the red dress. They had the usual dinner at the restaurant and proceed to go up to his hotel room. Neither one was paying attention to anything else as they were too preoccupied with each other. In their state of ecstasy, they did not hear the sound of the girl in the blue dress entering the room. It was dark with only the moon shining through the open curtains. They did not hear her speak as she approached them with a knife in her hand. She was calling his name over and over. As she stood there looking at them, her blue eyes all blood-shot, her hair all crumpled, she raised her right hand and stabbed Mr. Charming's bare back with such an angry force that he slumped over the girl who was underneath him. He did not make any sound. The girl screamed the most horrific scream as she was trap underneath Mr. Charming. The scream echoed in the air as the girl in the blue dress continued to stabbed Mr. Charming over and over again, each motion with more force than the one before, each followed with a scream by the girl who was still underneath Mr. Charming.

After the tenth time, the girl paused, and her face turned a ghastly white. Her eyes, wide with bewilderment, did not blink as she turned and slowly walked out of the room, bloody knife in her hand. The screams continued to echoed into the hallway. The girl in the blue dress, covered in blood, walked down the empty hallway, got into an empty elevator and was down in the lobby. At first no one noticed her. Then a scream came out of the girl's mouth, as she dropped the knife onto the red velvet carpet. Then more screams from the hotel guests that was surrounding the hotel lobby. Security immediately seized her away to the back room, almost dragging her as she had no strength of her own.

The next day, the photo of the girl in her not-so blue dress was all over the news and in the papers. She was sent to jail but her story often got repeated by the waiters and hotel servants almost every other day. The girl who used to be in the red dress went insane and was sent away to an asylum. Mr. Charming had kissed his last girl as he had expired after the third stabbing. The room where Mr. Charming had died was turned into a storage facility but no one dare to go in there. It was said Mr. Charming's ghost haunts the room as the curtains never seem to closed properly.

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Jillian - part 2

For Fiction Friday. Read part 1 here.

Looking at his lovely green eyes, Jillian's thoughts becomes blank. She can't remember this this face staring at her with adoring eyes. Why had she no memory of him? She tries desperately, searching her mind for answers but all she can think of was a white blank page with no words on it. She knows he's someone she should know. After all he is in most of the pictures around her apartment.

James, with his brown eyes encase in dark-rim glasses, watches her as she pours milk into her already sweeten tea. She wants to ask him questions but none of her questions can be answer easily. She could not ask him who he was or what he was doing here or why he kissed her at the door. It seem they have a lunch date today. So the sandwiches in the ridge was taken out and the water was boiled for tea. She did not remember making the sandwiches but somehow they are there.

It's clear to her, James is a sweet man with good intentions but those questions in her mind cloud her thoughts. They make small talks about the weather and that winter is coming. Jillian nods her head in agreement. He left when all the sandwiches were polished off, saying he had to get his car out of the shop and there was too much work he still have to do. He will come to visit when he has more time. He kisses her cheek goodbye. Jillian can only manage a small smile.

It's was another bad day for James. He has not been sleeping well and is constantly worrying about Jillian. It was eight in the morning on a gloomy Saturday and James was not fully awake yet. As he reminded himself about yesterday when he visited Jillian, who have, again, forgotten about him. He had kissed her goodbye but felt like a stranger. The awkwardness was not there but it did not feel as if she knew him at all. Almost like the first time they had met.

Jillian had started her new job working as a secretary for his boss who has his own office one flight up. James works as a copywriter. He delivered some drafts to her office in person because he wanted to take a break from sitting in his cubicle. Jillian was so sweet and nice that James can't help but like her when he accidently spilled her coffee onto her desk. He wanted to treat her to lunch as an apology. That was the beginning of their relationship.

Jillian was happy that she's getting marry. She brought new clothes and new furniture. She even sold her car so she can get a better wedding dress. James was going to move in with her since she has the better and bigger apartment. Instead of a big wedding like they planned, Jillian and James decided to go to city hall and just tie the knots. It was an impulsive decision. They felt very happy about it as they will be using the money they had saved for a house instead.

The next night, they planned to have dinner with Liz and her boyfriend. The two of them was so happy driving to the restaurant. They wanted tell Liz about their surprised wedding. It was raining hard. James was driving his car. There was a accident ahead of them, so they had to stopped and waited for the police to clear the road. But another driver behind them didn't want to wait. He crashed into them, causing their car to moved forward against another car and flipped over twice before landing. James tried his best to steered his car but it was no use. They landed just a couple of feet away from the road. James was in a panic as he tried to hold on to Jillian. After the car had stopped moving, James saw Jillian slumped over, blood everywhere. Emergency works had to cut them our out of the car.

James was crying as he sat in the moving ambulance car, watching Jillian's closed eyes and holding her hand. At the hospital, they hooked her up to a machine to keep her alive. She had suffered massive head injury. The doctors had to remove some portions of her brain resulting in a great amount of her memory lost. She was in a coma for many months and when she woke up, she did not remember him or what had happened.

It had took many months to reclaim some of those memories but now and then, Jillian would forget things, things that had happen a few days ago and sometimes she forgets entire months or even a whole year of events. She sometimes would wake up in a daze forgetting who she was. Then some memories would sink into her mind just as she got more confused. Liz and James tries to act normal around her. If she asks what year it was, they would always answer as if it's the most normal question in the world.

Even though they were married, James had stayed at his apartment to make it easier for Jillian. After Jillian remembered or at least was told about her life, she decided James should be living with her. After all, he is still her husband.

There was no cured for Jillian, she knew that. She tries her best to remember but some days, it's just too confusing. James, sweet as he is, tries his best to accommodate Jillian. He knows Jillian loves him and that's what matters to him. It is not easy but they make it work. Jillian writes in her journal so that her memories would be hers, from her point of view and not from someone else's. It's not easy for Jillian to wake up to a stranger every day but his face was always a comfort to her even if she doesn't remember who he is.

The Music Box

This week's words are: Corridor, Linger, Subtle

There was no subtle way of walking down the corridor. At night your feet, barefoot or not, would make sounds like thunder in a storm. Most of us try to linger our steps but always manage to wake Grandmother. In her old age, she would yell at anyone who wakes her from her naps. She usually sleeps at night like the rest of us. Unlike the rest of us, she would only sleep a couple of minutes per hour, endlessly waking up to wander the corridor making even more noise. Of cause, those who were waken by her, cannot yell at her but would make subtle attempts to tell her so. Their words would linger in the air as they would have to repeat every single thought that exited their mouth. Grandmother is hard of hearing but when we scream our words, she immediately assumed that we were insulting her. There was no way of talking to her without shouting.

Four children of hers and two grandchildren were staying at her home for the summer - two married and two divorces - all women. Two sets of twins from her first marriage. Her second marriage produced only one child - a girl who is twenty-one now and has moved out of the house. She was on some traveling journey to find herself. The two husbands, my father and Rita's father, were away fishing.

Me and Rita are best friends who were born on the same day but not the same month. Our fathers are twin identical brothers so we have almost the same look - red curly hairs from our mothers and green eyes from our father. We are bond, not only by our genes but in our fascination with Grandmother.

Rita and I shared a room together next to Grandmother's while our mothers shared a room next to ours and our two aunts shared the last one at the end of the corridor.

Grandmother's name is Joanne. I was named after her but I was not like her. Her dark hair barely has a single gray in them. Grandmother can be frightful sometimes with her words and her wild gestures but we all love her just the same.

Rita and I would go around town looking for white daisies - Grandmother's favorite. Two thirteen-year-olds, with nothing to do during our summer hiatus but hang around our Grandmother but often she would be too tire to even say hello to us. We never manage to find any daisies but always return with some kind of flowers that we pick. We would presented to Grandmother and she would always smile kindly at us.

We would have to raise our voices when talking to Grandmother but just enough not to sound insulting. We tried to be subtle but kind to her. Grandmother would tell stories about her past and we would linger on each and every word. We would not make a sound until the story is finish. Those stories of her youth fascinated us, all those lovers she had, all those places she went. We couldn't wait for her to wake up each morning. We would have breakfast in the patio and Grandmother would go off on some adventurous tales. A dreamy look in her eyes as if she was back in the past.

On our second week staying with Grandmother, mother had to leave to tend to her flower shop. She wanted me to go with her but I convinced her to let me stay. She was to be back on the fourth week - our last days here at Grandmother's house.

Bored out of our minds, Rita suggest we look for more daises. It was too hot to go outside. I told her I did not want to. We stayed in with Rita's mother and our two aunts. Grandmother was upstairs napping. We were sitting in a circle, just having lunch. Not talking. It was as if we were strangers to each other. The only sound was the humming of the air conditioners. Rita and I decided to hang out in our room after lunch. We excused ourselves as Rita's mother and our two aunts were still sitting at the kitchen table, still not talking much.

We ran up the stairs but stopped at the corridor and walked in tiptoes. We heard Grandmother's voice, muttering something. We paused at her door but the muttering stopped. We continued to our room but her muttering started again. We tiptoed back to her door and listened. Grandmother was confessing her love to someone. A guy name Raphael. He wants to marry her. She said yes. There were laughters and then a scream. Someone had shot Raphael. Then it was silence. Rita and I stared at each other, our eyes widen. Could it be Grandmother had a first husband even before grandfather? Our grandfather's name was George and our second grandfather was also named George.

We started on our way back to our room again when we heard an even louder scream from Grandmother's room. Rita panicked and slipped and fell down hitting her head on the wooden floor boards. One panel stood up to reveal an opening with something inside. We slowly pried the panel open a little bit more and pull out the object. It was a wooden music box but it make no sound when we open it. Dust had gather inside, hiding a figure of two dancers. There was a black and white photo of a young Grandmother standing next to a young man. They were smiling and holding hands. We knew that was not Grandfather George, he does not have curly hair. We wonder who he was. We quickly gather the music box to our room. There was no sound coming from Grandmother's room as we silently walked. We decided to hid the music box under my bed as Rita's had her suitcase underneath.

We had dinner in the patio. We stared at Grandmother but her face showed no signs of any kind discomfort or any reminder of what she had dreamt. It was a blank face. Rita and I were anxious to ask her about Raphael but not in front of Rita's mother or our two aunts. It was quiet as usual. The night breeze distracted us. Grandmother had the air conditioner turned off during the nighttime.

When we finally get to ask Grandmother about Raphael, it was two days before we had to leave. We were having a early breakfast out in the patio. It was just Grandmother and us. Rita's mother and our two aunts were still sleeping. The weather was cool that day.

Grandmother did not lied or make excuses when we asked her about Raphael. He was her first true love. He died on their wedding day when he was shot by his brother, Adam. Adam had first dated Grandmother but Grandmother fell in love with Raphael and Adam could not deal with his loss. He was a jealous guy with a heavy heart. Adam was drunk out of his mind when he shot Raphael. Grandmother and Raphael had just woken up from their first night together when Adam stormed in with a shotgun. It was so sudden, there was no time to react. Raphael died instantly, he was still in bed in his pajamas. Grandmother did not move or make a sound as she stood there in her nightgown frozen in fear. Adam was just about to shoot her when he suddenly closed his eyes and collapsed onto the floor. Their father, Adam Sr. had came in quietly. He had shot Adam before he can kill Grandmother. Grandmother cried her eyes out as she stared at her beloved Raphael. Three months later, she met Grandfather George on a train to a destination which she hasn't decided yet.

We showed her the music box. It made her cried - small droplets of tears fell down her cheeks and into her mouth. She did not wipe them off and they tickled their way down to the music box. We wanted to know if the man's Raphael. She nodded her head yes. Her blue eyes sparkle and her lips formed a sorrowful smile. The music box was a gift from Raphael for her twenty-first birthday. The two dancers represented them when they went dancing.

We were in awed of her. We sat and stared at her but she had a dreamy look in her eyes. We could not wake her from her reverie. Rita and I decide we should write the story down, keep it in our journal. Grandmother's story will reminded with us. We lingered at the front porch not wanting to leave. Our bags in the taxi, not ready to go back to our boring life. We waited until Grandmother came down to say goodbye. We hugged and kissed Grandmother goodbye. We were not subtle in expressing our sorrows. Tears streaked our faces. We lingered in her arms and in her warm smile. She told us she will be having someone fix the corridor before our next visit. She gave us the music box - Rita and I shared the music box as part of Grandmother's memory. It was our secret, only the three of us shared.

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If I were ordinary

I would walk along side others without fear
I would speak with such candor
I would smile with confidence
I would laugh with all my might
I would jump at any chance that come my way
I would dream of vast possibilities
I would even speak of my most desperate needs
If I were ordinary
If and only if

Dear Diary

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Dear Diary,

It's been a good year. I haven't been writing much cause so much has been going on. Yesterday marks my 13th birthday. I got a bunch of books and a gift certificate to Book World from Mom and Dad. They knew I like to read. My whole room's filled with books. I've also got a one hundred dollar bill from Grandpa Jack. I promised not to tell Mom or Dad. They don't think it was a good idea to give money to kids. I also got a paint set with oil paints from my older brother Jack. Plus many, many get well cards from relatives, some even send me cash. I am lucky to have such a wonderful family.

For five weeks, I went to summer camp. I begged my parents not to send me but they said it will be good for me and that they have specially trained people there. I complained to them I want to stay home and that I really hate the outdoors. I refused to eat until they change their mind but on the second day of hunger strike, Jack came home from his hiking trip and convinced me to go. I have always listen to Jack. He always knew what I needed and what's good for me. I couldn't say no to him.

Almost three days before camping is over, I almost drowned. During swim lessons, I was standing on the edge of the pool and I felt a hand on my back pushed me. I was in the water for a few seconds but it felt like a lot longer. At first I was calm, peaceful, but then I started gasping for air. I was grabbed and pulled up out of the water. I opened my eyes to see Will, a volunteer helper. I wanted to say thanks but nothing came out. His beautiful face smiled at me. Then I threw up on him. My face must have turned tomato red. He just smile and said, "It's okay, no big deal." Then he helped me to my room.

I got to stay in bed until dinner time. It's a good thing my roommates, Lindsay and Lindy weren't there. I would not have been able to cope with them. I hope the lock on this diary is sturdy. I hate having people read what I wrote.

I've met a very nice girl named Barbara. She hates being call that and wants me to call her Bobbie. Bobbie and I got along very nicely. She has a great sense of humor and makes me feel welcome here. It was too bad she was not my roommate. She was two houses down from me. She doesn't like her roommates either. We have so much in common. We agreed to stick together until camp is over.

Bobbie played a prank on Lindsay and Lindy on the second to last day of camp. She switched their toothpaste with anti-itch cream and also put a frog in Lindsay's drawer. Everyone had a good laugh as Lindsay ran out of the house screaming with the frog in her hair with Lindy running after her.

I think that's when they stop teasing me even if it was just for one day. It was the best five weeks I ever had. I got to learn swimming, canoeing, basic camping skills, even learn how to build a boat from scratch.

Bobbie and I stayed in touch after summer camp even though she lives far away from me. We write each other letters with secret codes and little gifts almost every week. I've got a couple of pictures with Bobbie wearing colorful wigs. She also sent me a bright pink long wig which I wear whenever I feel down. I sent her a big box of books, some Jane Austen classics - those are her favorites and some of my favorites.

My hair had grew back like the doctors said. Mom was very proud that I didn't complained about the pain. I had threw up a couple of times but manage to stay healthy. I didn't have to stay at the hospital like other kids. I was glad I get to stay home for the rest of the summer.

I got a new bike for my fourteenth birthday. It has pink tassels and a white basket. I didn't might that it was a little too childish for me but I like riding it. School will start in a week. I was glad I was not so pale as I was a few months ago. I'm hoping to graduate next year so I can take an actual camping trip with Bobbie. We've made plans to go but that might change. I have a map on my wall with all the places we might visit marked with pick thumb tabs. This summer we'll get to spent it together. Bobbie's coming to stay with us. I am so excited to have my best friend here for the summer. Dad's helping me fix up the guest room. I can't wait for summer to come!

Jillian - part 1

Fiction Friday: Theme: Pick an adult character (it can be a new character, an established character, or even a famous character from fiction) and write a scene where the character demonstrates one of the following child-like habits.
1. Drinks chocolate milk when (s)he has a bad day
2. Constantly twists hair around finger
3. Often makes sound effects when talking to themself
4. Stomps foot when angry
5. Hoards personal belongings (books, CDs, etc.) in their bed
6. Sleeps cocooned in bedsheets or blankets
7. Pulls the crust off of any sandwich they eat
8. Must sleep with a particular stuffed animal or blanket
9. Overuses Ketchup (both too much, and too often)
10. Loudly, and badly, drums of books, tables, etc.


Jillian lies in a cocoon of white sheets, from head to toe. Through her blur vision, Jillian, sees only the darkness. A sliver of light sneaks through the sheets, waking her from her dazed state. She can see the sliver of light dancing in the darkness. She watches as it moves back and forth.

She wonders why her life was going so badly. Why did she had such bad luck? She was not a bad person. She was always nice to everyone. So why did all the bad things had to happen to her? Her job's gone, boyfriend's gone, can't barely pay her rent or her car insurance. What reason has she left to live? How can she face the world when she feels so bad?

"Jillian!" Someone calls her. It's coming from her answering machine by the bed. Jillian sits up in bed, letting the sheets falls off her head. It's Liz, her voice all high and loud. "Jillian, I know you're there. It's time to face the world. Jillian! Why won't you pick up? It's not the end of the world. Things will be okay soon enough. Alright then, call me when you're ready to get out of your slum. I'll try to come by tomorrow morning to see if you're still alive. Bye." Beep. Jillian falls back to bed, covering herself with the sheets. It wasn't long before she fall asleep again.

A pounding noise shocks her awake. Jillian opens her eyes to the semi-darkness. The pounding continues as she sits up in bed. She yawns and stretches her arms. The noise was coming from next door.

Still sleepy, Jillian wanders to her kitchen. Outside the window, she can see the construction trucks moving. What's going on? Jillian remembers the construction wasn't suppose to start until 2010. Isn't is still July 2007? They must be early she thought. Jillian turns to the right, to turn on her tv but it was not there. She makes a 180 around the kitchen but could not find it. As she leans down to look inside the lower cabinets, she realize her hair had gotten longer. It used to be just below her ears, now it's down to her shoulders and her hair had almost grew back to its original hair color. She opens the fridge, completely full. She doesn't remember going grocery shopping this week. She takes out the orange juice and looks for her blue coffee mug. But it was gone. Where did it go? She checks the cabinets again but only found clear tall glasses. She takes one out and pour herself some juice.

As she went through her closet for something to wear, she finds unfamiliar clothes. They seem like new. Where did these come from? She decides not to wear the new clothes and instead found her sweat pants and her old white shirt with the flower print in front. That's strange, she thought. Why does she have new clothes in her closet, she didn't even have enough to pay her rent. Better go see Liz, she thought.

Jillian looks for her car keys but could not find it. As she puts on her makeup, she notice the mirror in her bathroom is new. When did she install that? After finishing her makeup, she went through her bags to find new ones that she had never seem before. She choose a brown hobo bag and dumped some stuff inside.

She searches for her keys again but could not remember where she last seen it. At last, she notice it hanging by the door. Where did those hooks come from? As she looked around her apartment, a strange feeling came over her. Nothings out of place and yet there are furniture that she does not recognized. Where did that new tan couch come from? When did she change the curtains? And who is that guy in the picture standing with her in a dark frame on her old bookshelf?

She went to check her answering machine but there was no machine in the bedroom. She could not find it. Her once dark colored walls is now replaced by a nice shade of minty green. Her work desk is now all white and shiny, just the way she had wanted it. In fact it was the exact desk she had been saving up to buy. When did she brought it? Again, who's that man wrapping his arms around her in the picture by her desk?

Outside, she looks for her green BMW but find it was not in the spot where she had parked it. Where is it? She felt strange as the view in front of her was not the one she remembered. Everything's different. The corner deli is now a barber shop. The park that was abandon is now clean and is occupied with kids playing. The grocery store where she always shop is now redecorated with fancy new window display.

How long has I been sleeping? Am I in the twilight zone? These thoughts run through her head as she stands in front of her apartment building.

"Jillian!" It was Liz with a new haircut and new clothes that she had never seem her wear. "Jillian, I thought maybe something had happen to you. What are you wearing? Is that your old sweat pants? Feeling fat today, Jil?" Liz, her best friend, that she is sure of. Jillian smiles at her. "What's wrong?" Liz asked, with concern on her face. "Are you worry about the wedding? Don't worry, if Joel doesn't behave, I'll whip him into shape." Liz takes out a gold compact to pat her the shine on her nose.

It was as if everything's the same but different. Jillian asked Liz what year it was. Liz's face twist in confusion, "What do you mean? It's 2010. Still feeling daze after last night? Oh, I knew I shouldn't let you drink so much. But it was your bachelorette party. Forgive me?" Jillian nods her head. "Good, let's go get breakfast, then." She loops her arm around Jillian's and they start walking towards the cafe that used to be a butcher shop. Jillian, still unsure what's going on decided it's best to just go with the flow for now.

Read part 2 here.

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Letter from Suzuki_01

Date: August 16, 2006

I was riding the train today and my thoughts turned to you. I was not thinking of you but your pink face appeared in my mind. I thought, how strange I should be thinking of you after so many years apart. But I remembered. Your face, unchanged, the same as before. The scar on your cheek, still there, just a little faded. I am still very sorry about that. I hope you have forgiven me as I have forgiven you for your abandonment.

Five years. That is how long it has been since we last saw each other. The days, they flew by without a single thought of you but today, you appeared. As I tried to change my thoughts, it's stubbornness keep returning to you. I was glad I was busy today. Thoughts of you vanished as soon as I started on my work - which seem to always pile up on Thursdays. I was glad I didn't have to commute to work tomorrow. The office will be closed for renovation. Today the train was behaving badly, delays in all directions. I was late but so was everybody else.

I don't want to say too much for now. So I leave you with a bookmark that I have made with tissue paper, some glue and some pictures that I have taken yesterday morning. I finally got my color printer so now I can send you pictures - but not of me - just places I have been. I hope to hear from you soon.

Bye for now.

Suzuki.

Burning

This week's words are: Burning, Quietly, Taxi

The burning flame flows up high into the sky as I watch quietly. Black and white memories degrade itself into dark specks of ashes. Piece by piece I throw them into the flame, removing what was once us. It was not long ago that I have taken these memories. In fact this one was from last week. We were riding a taxi to the airport. I was sending him off but I didn't want him to leave me so soon. He had just got home from his last business trip. He said it was an emergency so I had to let him go. I had took a shot of his cherubic face. Told him to smile but all I got was a turn of his lips resulting in a half-smile.

I held on to him and begged him to come back soon. There were no tears in his eyes, all smiles as if it was any ordinary day. There was not a doubt that he was not coming back. He knew but did not tell me. I sensed something was wrong. I asked him but he said it was nothing.

Now he's gone. As I watch the flame die down, I wonder why it was so easy for him to leave me. Why it took such a short time to make that decision. Two days he was home. Not only did he not unpack, he didn't even bother removing his grooming supplies. He said he might have to leave again. I thought nothing of it until day two when he still haven't unpack.

Three later later, he had sent me a letter saying he was not coming back. He said he does not love me anymore. He was too guilty to tell me in person. He had fallen in love with someone on one of his trips. Said he was sorry and hope I would forgive him for doing it this way. He hope we can still be friends.

He left his dog, Fuji, a Basset Hound, who seem to hate me more now that he's gone. Tomorrow I will take him to the pounds. Maybe he'll find a more loving home. He doesn't want to be with me, like his owner, he has grown tire of me.

The black ashes flow in the air as the night wind blows. It has gotten cooler in the evening now. Another winter's coming. This one I will have to spend it alone. I throw a bucket of water on the ashes, and watch it flow back down. I wonder what's burning in my heart, I do not feel the chill in the air.

Read other Three Word Wednesday here.

A blue wedding

She was the most beautiful June bride, all dressed with lace and curls. Her flowing gown made of lace and delicate white silk, covered with decorative handmade flowers, top with a lace pattern headpiece that falls down to the ground. It was the most expensive dress she had ever worn. Her red hair was extra curly with ringlets surrounding her face, perfectly lined eyes with blushing lipstick and rosy cheeks. The groom was dressed in white with an old fashion jacket, a pair of long tails in the back. A fresh haircut that shows off his uneven ears. Still the day was sunny and the sky, cleared of clouds.

The after party was set inside a giant white tent top with colorful balloons. Inside was tables with white clothes, and various colors of roses combined with white china and shinny silverware. Both the bride's and the groom's parents were present along with aunts, cousins, uncles, grandparents, and various relative from around the world. Everyone dressed in their best and maybe even new clothes. After the bride and groom's dance, the cutting of the wedding cake was next.

Everything was perfect. As they held the knife ready to slice, the groom's brother showed up drunk with his two male friends. Their car stopped just in the front entrance. The engine was loud and smoke was coming out of its hood, sending it inside the tent. The three men tossed the cake around with their bare hands and started to throw it at the guests, causing a riot. There were screams and running. Not only cakes was thrown but also the decorations. They stopped a moment only to hit on the three bridesmaid. All three women ran off in disgust. The three of them drank most of the alcohol.

The bride and groom stood there in awe. The bride was ready to call the police when the groom's brother started to urine on the side of the tent. The bride threw an angry look at the groom and walked off. The groom, frustrated, ran to his brother and tap him on the shoulder. Then he hit him in the left jaw. He went down like a heavy hammer.

The groom, feeling outrage, went to beat up the other two. Then silence as the guest stared at him. It wasn't long before everyone left. The groom was left by himself. Sitting there, he wonders what he should be doing. The rain pour down, slow at first then, harder. It leaked through the tent dripping water on the groom. He stared at the wet floor and sighed.

A pair of pink shoes appeared in front of him. He looked up and saw his bride looking down at him. She was smiling. He stood up and held her in his arms. They will count this as their first fight. As they looked around the tent, they sighed together. Everything was in disarray. The tables had fallen, cakes and food were scattered everywhere, water had seek through some parts of the tent and there was an odd smell in the air. Their three uninvited guest were laying on the floor, unconscious. "Hey, at least, it's memorable," the groom said to his bride. They laughed as they walk off.

A married woman

All she could see is her milky white arms around his waist, dangling with gold bangles and a seiko watch on her wist. She can hear her voice clearly. Light and fluffy, telling him about her broken fridge and how he should buy her one. The guy's black hair has touches of white streaks. The sudden loudness of an oncoming train as the train door open distracts her from the couple. She slips out of the train just as the door slides closes.

They did not see her. The couple, still in a deep conversation with each other, had move closer inside the train. She can still see them, laughing and holding on to each other. She stands there on the platform, still staring as the train moves them farther away. It disappears into the darkness. She stands there, as if waiting for the train to reverse back to the same spot.

A week later, the same scene - she, holding on to him, he, looking at her with adoring eyes. She stands just a few inches from them. She hide her self among the commuters. Even through the voices, she can still hear their conversation. This time, he had brought her the fridge and now she wants a new stove. She gets off at her stop but can still see them. As if they didn't want to hide. As if their relationship was so ordinary, so common that no one notices that he was wearing a ring and she was not. As the train pulls out of the station, his head turn and looks her way. She duck to the left, without him seeing her.

He was late coming home. About midnight. She, in bed, dressed in her blue cotton pajamas. She can feel the bed bounce as he slips into the covers. He kisses her cheek, she pretend to be sleeping. She can smell the perfume but it was not her brand.

In the morning, he had got up before her and left her a note and some scramble eggs and black coffee. She takes the note and crumble it and threw it against the wall. She grabs the plate of eggs and threw it in the trash along with the coffee, plate, mug and all. A million times, she had said she did not like to drink black coffee, still he did not remember.

It was over but he continues to act as if everything's fine. A first affair means nothing - they weren't married then. But a second one? What does that mean now that they are married? She gathers his things in two boxes and places them out on the lawn, along with his huge collection of Bobble-Heads that she hates. The collection of fake autographed baseballs which he tells his friends are real. The lamp that he had brought her for her 25th birthday when they move in together, which she also hated. Everything that was his are out on the lawn along with her love for him.

Three years of living together, twelve years of marriage - all gone. All disappear without any late nights fights or angry remarks to each other. It has just stop being a marriage and more like relatives living together. The trust they had was gone. He had change his ways and now doesn't want her in his life anymore. She had enough, she had given up on the marriage and him. At forty, is she too old to start over?

An unmarried woman

Her hatred toward him was vivid from the start. The look on her face clearly showed her disgust and absolute hatred. The frowning of the brows, the turn-up of her lips, the wrinkle in her forehead - all signs that can't be ignore. There was no room in her face for anything else. It was as if all her thoughts are concentrate on this very emotion. Her eyes as big as almonds, stared at him, the big black specks grew bigger as she came in view of the bright lights of the restaurant. As she approached their table, he stood up suddenly, chair falling back. His face, full of fear, he tried to speak but all that came out was "Hello".

"Hello," she said with a gleam in her eyes. She was dress in her yellow rain coat over her white pajamas and a pair of dark blue rain boots, a wet red umbrella in hand dripping water on the red carpet. He's caught but yet he stood there waiting for her next move.

She pulled a chair from the empty table near by and placed it next to his date, a beautiful young girl, at least younger than she was. The young girl stared at this angry woman, eyes widening. The man pulled his chair up and sat down. The three of them sitting there in a circle of silence. The young girl got nervous and quickly made up an excuse to leave. She rushed off not even caring that it was raining outside, out the door she went as if fleeting from a hurricane.

The man in shock, felt like a fool. The anger woman, now calm and collect, took the bowl of chicken soup from his date and begins to eat. He had told her he was in a late business meeting. She was at home preparing a cake for his 28th birthday all the while coping with the flu. Now here she is eating soup with him. Although he's not eating at the moment.

After the soup, she proceed to order another bowl, this time a hot bowl of tomato soup. When it arrived, she stood up and took the whole bowl and poured it down his head slowly. He screamed out in pain. Then she dumped his uneaten food and poured it over him. Took his wallet from his jacket which he was wearing, and dumped some cash on the table and walked out.

Her second broken heart in two years. How she wished she had never started dating again. Why did she think he was any different? All that she gain was a broken heart and a huge debt for his stupid car she had brought for his birthday. How foolish for her to think he wanted to spend his life with her. How gullible was she to attend to his every needs. Why didn't she listen to her father when he told her he was wrong for her?

She went out on a blind date with him not excepting anything. Her friend had set them up. It soon turned into a relationship. They discussed about getting married and moving into a nice big house with two kids. That was a year ago. No mention of marriage, children or moving in together. He told her he wanted to wait until his career has settle into a more comfortable stage. But then she found out he was seeing another woman. It was over before she even had a chance to talk to him about it. She thought it was over. They can do what they had planned to do. But no, that wasn't what happen next. He went on to his new job and she thought he was content to work and come home to her. But that's not what happen either. He was having an affair with his new secretary. But she quitted and move away a week later. Again she thought he was done. He told her about all the affairs and that he will never do it again.

All was fine, she was baking a cake for his birthday when her friend called and told her he was at some restaurant with some girl from his office. She was getting over the flu and was not feeling well. She went out in the rain any way. She had to see it for herself to prove her friend was wrong. It was not him. But it was him. He had wanted to break up with her but was too chicken to tell her. It's true, they're not married, or engage or living together but she thought maybe he loved her or why else was he still telling everyone they're still together? Why else would she paid his student loan? What haven't she done for him that he didn't even needed to ask?

All gone and over with. She did not see him again or answered his calls. Four weeks later she got an invite to his wedding. She ripped it up and threw it away. She never wanted to see him again. Her anger towards him was gone but the memory of what it could have been stayed with her.

Goosebumps - part 2

Read other Sunday Scribblings here.

Read part 1 here.

For some reason I just had to do a part 2. I didn't think I would but here it is.

Gus got up his nerve on Wednesday afternoon and asked Zoey to lunch. He was almost grinning as walk to her. He took a breathe. Zoey was busy making copies of a huge report. Gus went into the copy room. Some small chitchat about the weather being so nice and cool. Then Gus went for it. He straighten his glasses and said,"Zoey, would you like to join me for lunch today?" He face was all flushed, but he forced himself to look at her. Goosebumps appeared on his arms. He was sweating but felt chilly. She was pulling out some papers from the copy machine. It was jammed. "Could you fix this?" she asked, holding ink-stain papers in her hand. Gus responded by checking out the machine. It was doing its usual business and sucking the paper inside without spitting anything out.

Gus shut the machine and open it up and pull out the rest of the paper that was stuck. He closed it and restart. "It works!" Zoey was grateful, smiled at Gus and went back to copying the files. Gus felt so embarrassed that she didn't reply to his question. He was about to give up and leave when she said, "Gus, how about lunch tomorrow? I can't do it today, my boss is really pissed today. He just got divorced papers and is taking out all his frustrations on everyone. I really don't have time today." She turned and face him, a smile on her face. Not one of those pitiful smile but a genuine sweet smile.

Gus was so excited, he nearly scream but held it in and said, "Sure, no problem."

"Okay then, see you at 1 tomorrow. I'll meet you at your desk." Zoey said and then went back to copying.

Gus said, "See you then." He went back to his desk and all day couldn't concentrate. All his thoughts lead to tomorrow.

The next day, Gus took Zoey to lunch at that new place where they serve health food. Gus knew Zoey's a vegetarian and this place was perfect. It was a small place, but it has places to sit and eat. The day was light and breezy. Gus wore his cleanest shirt that he could find and make sure his sneakers don't smell. Zoey wore a lovely blue dress.

There they were just eating and chatting. Things was going well, until Mick came by with his girlfriend, Sue. They said hi and make small talks but Gus fear Mick might make fun of him in front of Zoey. Sue went to pick up some food, leaving Mick with Gus and Zoey.

"Zoey, you look really pretty today. New dress? It really hides all the bumps doesn't it?" Mick was such a jerk, he pulled up a chair and sat next to them.

Zoey was not a particularly skinny girl and she knew it. Anger by his remarks, her eyebrows raised up and she was about to yell at him when Gus said," Mick, that's not very nice. How would you like it if I stop working on your computer? I don't know. I may have to stop, what's with so much work and all. I guess you don't want your files, then." Gus was not about to use insults against him. Whatever he can think up would be just too lame to use.

Mick apologized just as Sue came back with their food. Mick grabbed her arms and walk off. "Why aren't we staying?" Sue wanted to know.

"Thanks," Zoey mutter, a little embarrassed. Her face was flushed.

"Zoey, it's nothing. You're a beautiful lady and there's nothing to be ashamed of. I think you look wonderful in that blue dress. It brings out your eyes." Gus didn't realized what he had just said until he heard his own voice. He wanted to add something more but could not think of anything else. "Thanks, Gus." Zoey smiled at him, looking directly into his eyes. He knew then that she liked him.

Everyday, they had lunch together and sometimes even dinner. It wasn't long before Gus got the guts to tell her how he felt about her. They would taking a stroll on a Saturday afternoon. It had been a couple of months since their first lunch date. Gus knew if he doesn't confess now, he would never get another chance.

Apparently she knew. How he asked her. "Everyday you came by my cubicle to said hi. You've always made me laugh with your silly lines. And you always held the elevator for me even when the door was barely open. You often came by to check if my computer's okay. You've always been nice to me even if it inconvenient you." Gus never realized his actions were that loud. He was just trying his best to be nice. And she noticed. She just never thought he really like, that he was just being nice. Gus was overjoyed to hear this. He grabbed her and twirled her around. He nearly dropped her and they laughed happily.

Goosebumps - part 1

Read other Sunday Scribblings here.

On a Friday afternoon, locked in the ladies room, inside the last stall, was Gus. He was panicking, sweat dripping down his face. It's been half an hour but no one had came in yet. He stood there wondering how he got himself into this.

Gus knew his two male coworkers hated him but he never quite figure out why. He was just a geek who work as an IT guy. He was fixing his boss' laptop when they surprised him. Mr. Z had stuck a floppy disk into the cd drive. Gus thought the laptop was wasted on him. It took Gus a hour and a half explaining before he even knew how to use his email. Gus must have been in his office about a dozen times trying to show him this and that. How in the world did Mr. Z got to be boss of an internet company is beyond anyone's guess.

Just as he fished out the floppy disk, his coworkers, Mick and Todd grabbed his arms and dragged him down the hall. Gus tried to resisted but was no match for these two bigger guys. They took him to the ladies room, pull his glasses off and threw him into the last stall. Then they placed the trash can against the door. Gus heard their malicious laughter as they walked off.

Gus pressed his body against the stall door and tried to pushed but it open but it refused to budged. He tried to climb over the door but heard voices heading his way. Gus was silent as he listened to the two female voices. He knew them from accounting. It was Karen and her pal, Zoey. He was too ashamed to call out for help. What would they think of him with him in the ladies room? Gus said nothing as the ladies left without using the facility. Gus was glad of that.

Gus had a crush on Zoey for almost a year now. Each time he had tried to speak to her, Mick and Todd were always around making fun of him. Even when they were alone, Gus always had trouble speaking to her. His mouth would go dry and goosebumps would appear on his arms. When he does speak, he would blurt out things that would embarrasses him or her. She would laugh it off and walk away.

After Zoey and Karen were gone, Gus tried once again to climb over the stall door. Totally out of shape, Gus had barely any strength to even move. He had to catch his breathe. He managed to get over the door and use the trash as leverage. His hand slipped on the trash can and he fell down onto the tiled floor, landing on his elbow. Sharp pain shoot through his arm like a hurricane. Gus covered his mouth as he was about to scream. He dragged himself up and sneak out of the ladies room.

At his cubicle, his desk been trashed, mostly paper were scatter everywhere. Gus knew who did it by the image tagged to the fake cubicle wall - a guy with black rim glasses sitting on a toilet. Gus knew this joke was meant to anger him. Many times Mick and Todd had messed with him and many times, he refused to acknowledge that he was hurt. This time they had gone too far.

Gus stood there staring at his desk. He didn't he feel the pain in his arm. He checked his watch. It was almost five. He decided to go home. Took his bag from his desk drawer and left. Instead of the elevator, he walked the stairs. He went to see his brother, Joe, to get his arm fix.

Joe didn't asked questions, he just fixed him up. Joe knew Gus well enough not to say anything. It was no use. His brother was too old for him to protect. He will have to fight the battle himself. Gus left Joe's office and went home. No broken bones but Gus felt like a loser. He stayed indoor all weekend not speaking to anyone.

Early Monday morning, Gus got in three hours early. He went to Mick and Todd's computer and proceed to copied files and then trashed their harddrive. He renamed their user names - MIck's to Todd's secret lover. He then did the same to Todd's computer with Mick's name. H made sure it plays the song, "Secret lover" when they start their computer. Gus laughed to himself. It was the first time he felt comfortable at work since he started working there last year. Gus also created memos with Todd proclaiming his love for Mick and another one with Mick proclaiming his love for Todd. Gus wonders what their girlfriend's gonna think when they hears this. They worked at the office above. Gus sent emailed the memos to everyone in the office. Gus chuckled as imagined what their reaction would be when they come in.

Gus sat in his cubicle and pretended to work on his boss' laptop which he had already fixed. He heard laughter around the office. Mick's and Todd's angry voices raise and fall as they tried to get their computers to work. Gus tried not to laugh as their boss yelled at them for their incompetence.

"Have you heard? Someone messed with Mick and Todd's computers. And did you get that memo, oh wow!" It was Zoey staring down at him. He nodded his head. "I've got the memo,' he said trying not to look at her. Zoey laughed and said, "I wonder who did it." She smiled at him as if she knew. Gus turned his face away. He was turning beet red. Zoey doesn't seem to notice. She walked off smiling. Gus tried not to smile as Mick and Todd came over to asked him to fix their computers. Gus said he had a huge workload and couldn't possibly help them. Mick and Todd smiled nervously as they begged him. They even got down on their hands and knees and brought him coffee. Gus casually said he will try his best to help them as soon as he can. They thanked him profusely and left. That very day, Gus decided to ask Zoey out even if there's a chance she would say no. Gus smiled all day as he work.

Read part 2 here.

Every day a memory

Every day she cried for the past ten months. Everyday it felt like the slow pain inside of her had grew stronger, not wanting to let go. There were moments of clarity that leads her thinking thoughts unlike her own. Thoughts of the kid's life, his future, his past. Everyday his face stuck in her mind, refusing to fade away. She can remembered his crystal clear blue eyes, staring back at her. The side of his mouth, dripping with the reddest blood, turning his lips beet red. He was unable to speak. All she could do was held on to his hand. HIs grip on her extremely tight at first then it loosen. She held on long after he was gone. His eyes still opened wide looking into emptiness.

Most days she can forget him. A dose of pills at night help a little but she always wakes up in such a daze that she forgets who she was and where she was. Two days later, she tossed them in the trash. The doctor had prescribed for her so she can sleep. Those dazed mornings seems to remove traces of her self, traces she could not find until a couple of days later.

During those sleepless nights, she kept wandering around the house, aimlessly looking for something to do. What she found was watching late night classic movies. Some silent, some in black and white, most were so depressing it made her cried. She wonders if there were others like her. Not sleeping or dreaming, just wide awake with a an unclear mind.

Unable to cope with the living during the day, she decided to work at home. Her boss, an understanding guy felt that she should take a vacation but she wanted to work. Writing articles on woman's health seem to be the only thing she knew how to do. She would email the articles to her boss and he usually send it back with some corrections. She used to complained and argued with him but now she accepts his changes and sends it back the way he wanted.

Her husband had moved out since she couldn't seem to communicate with him. It was his excuse to leave. It had been coming for a long time, he only needed one more reason not to stay. The divorce papers were still on her work desk. It's been three months since she had received it. She had signed and sealed it but couldn't bring herself to mail it. What was the use? Better to severe ties now rather than later - these thoughts keep coming back but still she could not go outside to face people. Their faces seem so strange. A delivery guy had came by with the divorce papers, she barely responded to him. It took twenty minutes and endless repetition of words for her to registered what he was saying.

Sleeplessness has its own nightmare. She hears strange sounds all around her. Sometimes it was her own sounds she was unfamiliar with. Even the television could not drown out the noises or the thoughts she cannot let go. HIs face forever in her mind, sometimes she sees him in the television as one of the characters. Then she wakes up in a daze and find she had actually slept.

It took many months but the bits and pieces of her old self had finally gathered together. She finally saw a therapist. Those first sessions were so painful, she cried at every memories she repeated to the therapist. The therapist, a very nice middle age lady named, Ms. Audrey, seem content to just let her ramble on. She rarely interrupts except to say, "Time's up." Everyday she would go a little farther to the beginning. To that moment when she had lost her self, lost the ability to be herself.

At last, four months later, she was able to cope with a small amount of memory of that day. It took some time but she managed to recovered most of the details, not just his face. All she knew throughout everything was that she had killed a kid, a seventeen year old.

He had just got his license that very day. He, with his new found ability had thought he could do no wrong. His pal was next to him. They were not wearing their seat belts. His pal dared him to drive on the wrong side of the road. Being seventeen, of cause he accepted the dare. It was too late to make a right turn when he saw the blue BMW. Their cars collided in the middle of the road. She was trying to avoid his car but ended up crashing into it.

She did not know what had happen until his body landed on her windshield. She screamed many times. She had a hard time unbuckling her seat belt. She got out of her car sobbing. His eyes were open but he was not responding to any calls from her. He stared at her in a strange way. His head was bleeding and he didn't seem to hear what she was saying to him. He blinked a few times. A former nurse, she tried her best to stop the bleeding. But the liquid kept on appearing. She held on to his hand, trying her best to comfort him. But it was no use, he was gone before she could do anything else. Ten seconds was all it took. She cried out loud. But then she heard a voice. The other passenger was still alive. She knew she had to save this other one. She breathed in a steady pace, trying to controlled her emotions.

He was conscious and wanted to know what happened to his friend. She couldn't tell him. She started to cried again. He had a slight cut on his forehead and was not seriously hurt. Ten minutes later, a driver came by and called for an ambulance. Why didn't I think of that, she thought. Through her tears, she can still see him laying there on top of her car. A sudden pain shoot through her head, making her cry out in pain. She had a cut on her forehead. She touched her head feeling the warm blood coming out.

It was like a dream. The ride to the hospital, the stay that lasted a month, the way home without a word. Her husband seem unconcern that she was rambling about a kid he doesn't know. He took her home and tried to make things the way it was. But it was no use. Even time cannot erase the memory of what had happened. He moved out one month later.

She had find out his name through a nurse she had worked with, Brian "Baby Blue Eyes" Earhart. She also find out his heart went to a little girl in Santa Monica. She was doing well. She sent her a blue teddy bear with a get-well note, unsigned.

Fourteen months later, she still needs more time to forgive herself. There was nothing she could have done for him. She knew that now but his face will forever be carved inside her memories within memories. She wished him well wherever he may be. Sometimes when she looks up at the blue sky, she can almost see his blue eyes smiling down at her.

Downward

The awkwardness drives her down
down she goes, hitting every step of the escalator
with her chin, her hands, her whole self
laying there, still as a statue
waiting, for what, she does not know
not moving
the noise of the mall suddenly goes silent for a moment
then it wakens with sounds of voices
a hand pulls her up by the arm
she's not alone
she turns around to look at the stranger
but he was already walking away
the back of his neck was all she saw
she stood there until he disappear into the crowd.