Letter from Isabelle 8

This entry is for 3WW. This week's words are Curious, Eventually, Shower.

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7

Date: December 26, 2007
Dear L,

Memories, they seem so distance, so far out of reach. I longed for their return but knew in the end, they would bring pain and devastation to my life once again. Each day, more of them flood their way into my mind.

It's nearing the end of the year and I have not decide what to do. I wasn't in a rush to get back to my old life and yet they kept resurfacing with each hour that passed.

I was never the curious type and yet now small things can trigger a longing for new curiosity that I never had before. I'm sure eventually the feeling of newness will pass but for now everything's fill with surprises.

My vision's still a blur but getting better. Each day when I open my eyes in the morning, I would see something clearer, something familiar. Still I often have to feel my way around my apartment.

My neighbor, Joy, showered me with presents yesterday. She knocked on my door knowing I wouldn't answer unless it was urgent. She screamed "Isy, I hurt myself! Please come out and help me!"

I didn't hesitated, I fumbled my way to the door and opened it with my hands outstretched. Joy laughed and placed three presents into my arms - one for each time that I had stepped outside my door.

I wanted to get mad at her but her pleasant laughter and infectious joy always makes me want to smile. She invited me over for Christmas dinner and even though I didn't want to accept, I knew she would coax me into it.

After our Christmas dinner - chicken and broccoli with white rice and diet coke - Joy persuaded me to go take a walk outside. I refused at first saying it was too cold. But my excuses couldn't stop Joy. She knew I was afraid to go outside of my apartment. The fear of being trample by a car or a person filled my head.

It wasn't snowing but the air was bitter cold. With my cane in one hand and my other hand on Joy's arm, I walked for the first time, outside my apartment. The nerves in my stomach kept jumping around. I was afraid but with Joy there, somehow the fear subsided. We walked slowly but steadily down the cold streets. I can smell pizza and hot chocolate but I can't see the beautiful decorations. Joy described them to me. She was very talented in articulating the details of everything around us.

I felt a kinship with Joy. Everything she does and said seem so familiar and yet I cannot pinpoint where I have known her. Or if I had known her. I tried to tell myself that Joy is not my brother, even if everything about her - the way she shielded me from the cold, the way she straighten my hat before we went outside, the way she smell - all familiar things to me. I tried not to overbore her with memories of you. It's bad enough that I kept comparing her to you.

All this time searching for you, I've forgotten myself. I've forgotten that I have a life, that I need to live with or without you. In my silly state of mind I had thought maybe I would have another chance with you, L. But now I could not hope to see you again. Each day, more of you disappear and more of me reappear. I cannot go on like this - forever reminding myself of you, forever dreaming that you would show up at my door and hold me in your arms and tell me you're still there. I can't do that to myself anymore. I need to move on. Joy reminded me I can still start over. It's not an end but a beginning. I know I will forget you eventually but inside, I know you are never gone.

That night I had an odd dream about my accident. But it wasn't a dream but a memory. At least in my mind, it felt like a memory.

In it, I was laying on the train tracks. Red liquid had covered my eyes, I can only see partially. A man - his eyes full of concern, a circle of green, was staring down at me. He was telling me not to move. He seem to be checking me out. I felt a sharp pain in my head. I reached for my head but he told me not to. He wiped the liquid from my eyes with something soft. I can see his face, almost smiling at me. He told me to keep my eyes open. "Stay awake!" he shouted. I tried but I wanted so much to close them but the man kept shouting at me, keeping me awake. Everything looked like it has a soft edge to them. His creamy face, a calm ocean of softness, stayed vivid.

A lady in pink who reminded me of Joy, held my hand while the man was putting pressure on my head with his warm hand. I didn't feel any pain but the strong urge to sleep kept tugging at me. Soon I was carried off the tracks and onto a stretcher. I can see the sky becoming dark and all I can see were shapes, blurry images. They gathered around me in the ambulance.

But the lady in pink seem to be smiling at me through the dark shadows. "You can sleep now," she said softly as my eyes began to close. I felt a gentle kiss on my forehead.

I woke up to the sounds of the city. It never sounded so loud as this morning. The cold air reminded me it's still winter. I wrapped the sheets around me, laid on my side and looked out the window at the dark, blurry sky. I smiled knowing today was the day to start over. Things aren't as gloomy as it use to be. I hope someday I might just be myself again. Maybe when I finally wake up from all of this, I would realize I was not alone.

Isabelle

Read Part 9 here.